I feel like it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything, so I thought I’d take a few moments to check in.
I have found that doing what you love for a living has its pro’s and con’s for sure, but mostly I’m just 10 times busier than I was before. It’s like working 5 jobs at once.
There are other challenges as well. When you care about something so much, you tend to pour your heart into it. You never really stop working, even when you designate “time off.” The down side to being so invested in something is when it doesn’t work out, its much more than just another failed opportunity or a bad job, It’s a deep heart break or a very painful process at the very least. I have discovered this new experience in the last few weeks. I’ve found myself asking the question “How am I supposed to deal with this?” a lot in the last month or so. Stress can do crazy things to someone. If we let stress consume us, we will become very unhealthy in every area of our lives. Maybe that’s why the Bible seemed to make a big deal about finding, having, and being full of peace.
Life seems to have this cycle. We have ups and downs, highs and lows, and yet we can never seem to stay in one place for too long. The more difficult things of life will always find us again.
Something I’ve been contemplating the last week or so is how unreachable a goal it seems to be to attain and maintain healthy community amidst a group of individuals. I’ve talked so many times before about the values and positives of being in community with one another. I find it to be not just life giving, but vital to our survival in this world. We NEED community, and yet its in our DNA to somehow screw it all up. How are we supposed to maintain something we are destined to destroy? We’ve been ruining community since the beginning, and yet its what we need! We get in the way of ourselves. In order to be in community with one another, we must go completely against our normal selves and learn to love one another, or more accurately, be aware of one another’s needs and truly care about them.
It’s so easy to lose sight of what was once important. We all do this every day, right? I want to eat right, exercise, and lose that gut before summer, and yet here I am…drinking a latte. If we add up all the things we wanted to do but didn’t follow through with, I’d say we could all give quite a long list of goals we lost sight of. We have these things we claim are important to the core of who we are, and yet we don’t live it out. We don’t make it a priority in our lives. Maybe we do this as individuals, or a community of people. We stand for something together, and somewhere along the way, the thing we once stood for gets lost in all the mess of life…And we hurt people.
We always hurt one another in the end. Its an inevitable process of relationship, right? We will continually hurt one another, apologize, hopefully forgive, and move on. On to the next time where we do something that hurts someone, and the process starts over again. Each time we are confronted with an opportunity to learn and grow. Each time we are adding something to our character, equipping ourselves with better ways to handle the next hurdle we are thrust into.
We will probably never get it right. We will always be striving to get along with each other. But the trick is to continue to strive. Once we stop striving, it all falls apart. We lose focus, we lose each other, and we are left hurt and alone.
The things I once cared about I find that I haven’t cared about in a while. The friends I once had have become distant acquaintances. Time always reveals who truly cares and who doesn’t. The last year has taught me that. I have also learned not to put too much hope in any one thing, no matter how good it seems.
The last few weeks have been extremely difficult to deal with, but I know that the bigger picture reveals many moments of growth. I hope and pray I can learn from all of these experiences, and respond positively. I haven’t felt very positive, but I choose to be positive, regardless. The one thing that has changed is my ability to always see the blessings of every day. No matter how bad things get, I can be thankful for so much. I have become a passionate person again. But with such passion comes greater pain and fear of failure. Passion also attaches itself to much confrontation. When you believe in something, you stand up for it. I’ve been standing up for a lot lately, and I’m not always right in my stance, but at least I’m standing up. It’s better than sitting on the sidelines all the time.
I haven’t lost my cynicism, biting sarcasm, or harsh opinions. I still feel negatively towards certain things, and that may never change. I’ve accepted that. Though there are more struggles, I am still happier than I’ve ever been. I just hate that the things I wanted so much to believe in a year ago, and the people I wanted to trust, turn out to be unstable, untrustworthy, and as fickle as the weather. I guess everyone is learning. You can’t ever trust anyone too much, and that’s ok.
My story is taking a bit of a turn at the moment, I believe. I’m in the middle of a chapter of growth. Growth can’t be accomplished without opposition. The character needs something to overcome. That’s where I am now. I’ll see you on the other side.