A Moment Of Self-Reflection

Most days I am entirely too analytical. I over analyze everything. I would have never considered myself a very analytical person in my younger years. I would have told you I was laid back, go with the flow, impulsive, and hate schedules. That’s not AT ALL who I am! I have no idea why I ever thought that was me! Maybe I just really wanted to be that guy. I wanted to be someone who was this laid back, cool, spaced out musician type. But the truth is, I am extremely analytical, calculated, logical, and precise. Most everything I do is thought out and intentional. It gets scary sometimes. I even think through scenarios of how every interaction and conversation will go, and the potential outcomes.

The lame side of it is i still got the bouts of depression that a “creative type” gets, I’m just not ruled by my emotions, which is a really strange combination if you really think about it.

One day, I was in one of my “self-reflective” states, and I was processing through my personality, and how I seem to interact with the world around me. It was then that I realized that I literally NEVER make emotional decisions….ever. I may have acted emotional to make my decision seem more authentic to the recipient, but in all reality my choices are never emotionally driven. They are always logical decisions, based on the information I have that has been weighed to see which decision has pros that outweigh the cons. I wasn’t always this way…

Most of my life, I was afraid to make decisions. I was afraid to act, in fear of making the wrong decision. My fear crippled me and I never made ANY decisions. I became passive, uninterested, and cynical towards everything. I thought It was just my pessimistic personality, but in all reality, I was suppressing the very nature of my being. Upon the end of my last relationship, I vowed to make changes, to let myself be…well…me.

Its been almost two years, and I can tell you that I am much happier than I’ve ever been. Its so much better to just be honest with yourself and everyone around you. I’m no longer afraid of taking risks and making decisions. It took me being honest with myself and realizing certain aspects about myself that ultimately freed me from the burden of always trying to fit in with society’s standards of appropriate behavior and allowed me to be what God intended for me to be.

I feel like some of you totally get where I’m coming from, while others may feel like I am “cold-hearted” or insensitive. Usually when I tell people that I believe I am incapable of empathizing, they give me a very strange look, and usually follow with some statement like “so you don’t feel anything?” I never said I don’t feel anything. I said I can’t feel something that someone else is feeling. Some people have this ability, I don’t. I can SYMPATHIZE, sure. But empathy has always been something that escapes me. I even used to think something was wrong with me. But what I realized is, there’s a balance to the world, and there are all different kinds of people, and IT’S A GOOD THING!

If what I’ve said about myself has bothered you, don’t worry, it just means you are an empathizer, and that’s ok. The world needs empathizers; people who can share the burden with those who go through the greatest of life’s heartache and pain. But the world needs people who don’t empathize too. People who can stay calm and make calculated decisions the highest moments of crisis. Crises have never bothered me. Some people are terrified of them. I never have been. I wouldn’t say this is a bad thing.

Anyway, I was just contemplating how different we all are, and how we all work together to make it though this crazy life we live. Our personalities are all different, and yet we all compliment someone. Interesting.


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