Tonight I had the idea of writing a song based on my struggle as an artist, a musician, a songwriter, and a performer. I wanted to tackle the hardship that comes with living a life trying to cope every day with the fact that there’s only one thing I’ve ever wanted to do, and that thing seems damn near impossible to achieve most days. I wanted to write this song in the context of a conversation one might have with someone they love. Someone who doesn’t understand and wants to leave. I’ve been in this situation many times before, so it isn’t exactly foreign for me to write about. I couldn’t seem to get it going though. Sometimes Its like a song is born almost fully grown, like it just hit the ground running. I’ll have two verses and a chorus in a matter of minutes. But more often than not, its a struggle to find the first note, or word, or even concept. Its like I have all of these feelings, all of these experiences, and I just can’t find the right words, or the right music that expresses them accurately….tonight is one such time.
I decided, instead, to write a blog entry on my thoughts, in hopes of sorting out the madness in my head. I come from a troubled state of mind tonight. Its a place where life doesn’t make sense. The very reason I exist is called into question. Its like every area of my life screams for a reality that is only fantasized about in my wildest dreams. What do I mean, you ask? Well, if you’ve been keeping up with my blog for any amount of time, you’ve surely read about my struggles with finding a job, paying bills, staying healthy, and finding any form of security in any area of my life. I find this extremely interesting, because it seems like my life is telling me I should be doing something else. Its like God Himself is subtly telling me, through the slamming of every door in my face, that I should be doing something else…that I was made for something else. All the while I struggle to find any place in the realms of the music industry, just trying to get my foot in the door.
It seems with every day that passes, with every morning I wake, with every second that I breathe, my very soul aches, yearns, longs to do what it was made to do. Its a curse really. My existence seems meaningless to me if I’m not playing music. Dramatic, you say? Well yes it feels dramatic to me too. But the reality is, I don’t know how to get rid of this feeling. Its a dangerous notion to know with every fiber of my being that I would gladly give up anything in my life to have a career writing music, traveling, and performing. The curse of a musician is the inevitable downfall of most because of the sheer flood of the music industry with thousands of people all trying to do the same thing, Not everyone can succeed. Those who don’t succeed are doomed to a life of emptiness and misery, walking aimlessly through life, trying to find their place. There’s a reason the stereotype exists that says musicians are lazy bums who never do anything with their lives. Some really are lazy bums, and some were just never given the right opportunity, but all have the same thing in common….the curse. The curse, or weight that we all carry that haunts us, whether awake or asleep. This weight that we drag around that serves as a constant reminder of who we are, and how extremely difficult it is to fulfill our nature as the beings we are. We wake up every morning feeling as though we’ve failed ourselves and everyone around us.
If only real life were as easy as receiving a “golden ticket” that fast forwards us to a full fledged music career. If only music were really about the music, the talent, the voice. But alas, the industry is filled with businessmen out to make money with soulless robots, with processed voices singing empty, meaningless lyrics of a song they didn’t even write, to a crowd that has forgotten what it was like to hear someone pour their heart out in such a way that not just moves people, but changes them forever. I want to do that to people. I want to make a difference in people’s lives. I want to speak into people’s hearts. I want to create something that is beautiful, amazing, and worth listening to. And I want to play it over and over and over again until my fingers bleed, my voice gives out, and I collapse from the shear exhaustion of playing for as long as possible, and as often as possible, to as many people as possible, every single day. I want to travel until I forget where I call home and play to anyone who will listen. I’d live in my car if I had to.
The reality is, I don’t own my car. I’m still paying for my car, and my cell phone, and my insurance, and my guitar even. I still have bills and If I left now and decided to go on the road and just start playing…well…I wouldn’t have a car to sleep in, or a guitar to play, or a phone to call for help. My life is a catch 22. Some days it feels like there’s no winning. Its like I’m just running in circles, chasing my own tail. I feel like God wouldn’t be so cruel. Maybe I just haven’t reached the chapter in my story where life makes sense, the stars align, and I am given the chance to do what I love more than anything. I believe in music. I believe in what I do. For the first time I can honestly say I love the songs I am writing, and I believe in them. I think they are worth listening to. I don’t mean that in a conceited way. I’m just really passionate about what I do and I feel as though i’m finally finding my identity as an artist. I hope those of you who have heard my songs can agree.
So I guess we’ll just have to see how this story plays out. I’m merely a character, playing a part in a story that’s already written. I just hope this story has a few chapters where I get to fulfill what I’ve always wanted to do more than anything. Maybe this curse is only temporary for me. Maybe life will one day make sense, and I can stop settling for a life that falls short of the potential I see it being. I don’t feel like I should have to apologize for who I am, or accept a life in which I never get the opportunity to do what I was made to do.
We only get one chance to make an imprint on the world. I want people to remember me for the words I wrote, the songs I sang, and the music I played. All I need is one real chance.