Lately, I’ve been trying to get to a place in my life where I’m content with who I am, and where I am in life. I’ve had more success in this recently, but mostly because I feel like I have more direction now than I ever have before. Its a funny thing how that works. It seems I have discovered more how my personality operates and how my mind processes things, and I have catered my life to those strengths and weaknesses, in an effort to be more effective as a person in all areas. Over all it seems to be working, and I’m just happier in general. Happiness is a funny thing. Happiness can be taken away in an instant by anything in life. If your main focus in life is happiness, you’ll find that everything in life becomes terrifyingly dangerous. I went through a phase where my main focus was happiness. That phase was short lived. Now, I try to focus more on realistic aspects of life worth maintaining, such as relationships, family, a positive attitude, and hope in greater things, and faith when life seems hopeless. Romance seems to be a fleeting aspect of my life right now at best, so it seems irrational to devote any real attention to the pursuit of romance.
The thing is, I’ve tried, more than anything else, to become okay by myself. I never used to be okay by myself. I always felt like I needed someone else there or I couldn’t survive. I had a lot of unhealthy relationships based on this foundation. The older I get, I realize there’s much more to life and love than that. You can’t be with someone you rely that heavily on, especially if you’re relying on them for happiness. You need to be content with yourself before being with anyone else. I wish I had learned this early on. I could have saved a lot of people a lot of heartache. It took me a long time to be okay with myself, because of the way I had treated people in my past. But recently I came to a healthy place emotionally and mentally, where I was able to accept who I am, and that I have the ability to move on from who I was and be someone better.
In the process of trudging through my faults and weaknesses, I came across a pattern in my life in which I had a problem letting things (and people) go, which became extremely problematic, and created terribly unhealthy habits in my life to try to hang on to those people and things. Once I dealt with that part of my personality, the rest became much more realistic to overcome. It just took a while to get there.
Its weird how so much can change so quickly. Each day we wake up, we are given another chance to start over, to be better. We go through this life as much more than an experience, but a process of development. One could look at life and say the meaning of life is to prepare us for what ever awaits us in eternity. I think whatever God has for me after I die, my time here is my journey towards that place. My character is being groomed for an eternal world.
I think if we woke up each morning, fully able to realize that why we’re here, we’d live each day very differently. Death and immortality would be much less of our focus, and we would see the world through the eyes of eternity, which ironically, would emphasize our mortality. I feel like any time I have one of those moments where my mind makes some feeble attempt to grasp anything of eternity, my mind also simultaneously realizes how meager my existence is. Such a realization impacts at such a profound depth. A good example would be looking at the stars on a clear night. If you ever do this, and really consider what it is you’re gazing into, your mind can’t help but immediately acknowledge both how big the universe is, and how small you are, all at the same time. Its quite interesting, I think. I love to be reminded how insignificant I am, it keeps me humble. Realizing our insignificance is a great thing, because we are then forced to acknowledge the greatness of God. Our most common reference to God’s greatness is our extremely apparent lack of greatness, and the void that lies in between. If it weren’t for this void, we would not be able to understand exactly what Christ did for us on the cross, and through the resurrection. Life becomes special in such an intangible way, love becomes so precious, and what is truly important becomes apparent.