You know those days where you just wake up feeling heavy, like there’s a lot on your shoulders? Well today is one of those days for me. I don’t know if its just the stress of all the things i’ve been doing lately finally getting to me, or if I’m just particularly sensitive to it today. Either way, I feel burdened. Last night I watched the movie Blue Like Jazz, and I will admit that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. By the end, the movie had won me over actually. It was a powerful message that was well executed. They did a fairly good job at not making it seem too “christianized” and yet addressed many of the major problems within the church, namely hypocrisy. I think its funny how things happen in my life at just the right time. Lately I’ve been feeling particularly disconnected with everyone around me. I can be sitting in a group of people, and feel completely alienated from everyone. I don’t think this is anyone’s fault, I think I just have a hard time adapting to situations. Sometimes I have no problem at all blending in, being a part of the group, and having a good time. But sometimes I can’t seem to feel alright. Sometimes I feel like i’m jumping out of my own skin. I’ll get anxious, overly analytical, and entirely too self aware. Its in these moments that I feel tension towards and from everyone. Its a strange experience really. Its that feeling that I just don’t matter, that I could leave the room and it would take everyone a while to notice I’m missing, if they even noticed at all. Maybe I’m just that type of person, the type that doesn’t get noticed, that easily falls through the cracks of society. Its been this way my whole life. I’ve worked particularly hard to gain social skills that would hide the fact that every time I’m around a group of people I feel insignificant. Every time I walk on a stage, this feeling rushes over me that makes me feel completely unimportant. Like everyone is thinking “what does this guy think he’s doing?”
I wonder all the time where this insecurity comes from. I wonder if maybe it comes from my childhood, I never did really fit in with kids at school, and then being home schooled from the 4th grade on only further encouraged my insecurities around people. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago I began to learn how to cope with my discomfort around people. Its like I always genuinely believe no one actually likes me, so when I get rejected It only confirms such beliefs, thereby impacting me much more severely. Which brings me to my next possible source of insecurity, the unusual amount of rejection I have experienced in the last few years. I have experienced rejection by jobs, girls, and circumstances. Even my parents have acknowledged the unusual amount of “bad luck” I have endured in the last year or so. That doesn’t really help a guy’s self esteem. Where ever the source of my insecurity comes from, it exists. I try to fight the lies that I’m insignificant, unimportant, and not worth a good job, a good relationship, a good family, or anything that makes me happy. I try, but some days I fail. Some days I’m reminded of all of these things at once, and I can’t seem to shake the feeling of inadequacy. Inadequacy leads to loneliness, loneliness to depression. I hate being in this state with my whole being. Luckily, I’m not there yet. No, today I’m just lonely. I think loneliness can be a good thing though. Loneliness can be an effective reminder that we aren’t strong enough to handle things on our own. Loneliness can create moments in which we are forced to seek God in certain areas of our lives. See! I’m trying to be positive these days! Its easier than embracing the negative. There’s a lot of negative to embrace, so I’d just rather not.
It seems apparent that I struggle with true friendship. I have a hard time believing anyone really cares about me. Probably because the people in my life that seemed to really care about me hurt me really badly by lying to me, lying about me, leaving, or dying. I haven’t really ever been the same since all of this. Trust doesn’t come easily to me at all. In fact, its the hardest thing I can ever try to feel for someone. I feel like Gregory House (from the tv show “House”) when approaching people. Because, with everyone I have the understanding that everybody lies. I would take that a step further and say that I have an even bigger struggle with not just the predisposition that everybody lies, but even more, that everyone is generally out for themselves, and are, in most situations, incapable of caring about anyone but themselves. I know this is a bit drastic, but I have noticed that, in my past, I would approach most situations and relationships with this reality in mind. So, when I would be rejected for any particular reason by whomever, it would only had fuel to the flame of hatred towards people in general, making me bitter, cold, distant, and detached from everyone.
I think I lived with this detachment for so long that I became accustomed to it, and now I struggle to feel anything for anyone. I now have the desire to love someone fully, but that desire is overshadowed with the fear that no one would ever really love me. Logically, I know all of this is a big lie, which is what reminds me I haven’t completely lost my sanity. But how do you break the chains of something so deep? Time seems the only answer. It will take time. In the meantime, I’ve tried to focus on my contentment with where I am in my life. I’ve tried to guard my heart, and acknowledge that, though everyone isn’t out to hurt me, they will also most likely do so anyway, whether directly or indirectly.
Today, I just feel alone. But I don’t think its necessarily a bad thing, it just sucks sometimes. I think i’m reasonable enough to acknowledge that these things are an important aspect of the experience of life, but I’d also like to be reminded every once and a while that I’m worth some effort, or that maybe one day someone might love me back. I know this sounds like I’m being a little pathetic. The only reason I really say it is because, I can only assume others feel this way all the time. I figure we can at least find some comfort in numbers. We all feel alone sometimes, if not most of the time. Our generation encourages solidarity. What we didn’t anticipate is, with our solidarity, the outcome is isolation, which perpetuates everything that is broken within us.
This blog entry makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to tell anyone these secrets about me, but I feel I must. I must because If no one talks about the brokenness inside them, we will all continue to encourage isolation. Isolation is hell. Lets not live in hell anymore. Its time to face our demons, and break free from the things that hold us back from being in communion with God, relationship with others, and feeling joy in all things.