First off, I’d like to apologize for not posting anything the last few days. Its been a ridiculously crazy week. I am now working three, count em THREE jobs. I hardly sleep, let alone have a life. But alas, today has been fairly peaceful as I had to take most of the day off to rest up so I don’t die. So I’m writing to you now.
As of late, I have had something brought to my attention by a few people in my life. Apparently, I have a “harsh” personality, and am usually taken as a particularly cut and dry individual, one whom is too hard on everyone, and therefore appears to be arrogant, and/or self-centered. This is extremely troubling to me. Thats the LAST type of person I want to be. I guess it has been particularly left unchecked by me mostly because, well, if you were in my head you would know that as harsh as I can be on others, I’m exponentially worse on myself, and it just seems to balance out. I understand you are NOT in my head, and therefore, can only see what’s on the outside, and whats on the outside hasn’t been too positive.
I seem to lack a certain amount of grace towards others and their personalities. I write people off too quickly. I’m extremely hard on other musicians (especially if they aren’t good), I can be condescending, particularly towards religious groups, namely Christians. To top it all off, I have this awful habit of voicing my opinions. This is a laundry list of flaws that I have realized about myself. The good news is, I really want to change these things. I don’t know if the harshness towards musicians will ever change though, I’m far too much of a perfectionist. But, I can stop voicing my opinions and try to show more grace when people are trying to “make it happen” for themselves and encourage them to do better and keep at it. The thing is, as hard as I can be on other musicians in my head (and sometimes out loud), I’m a billion times harder on myself! If you heard the thoughts I think about my own music and abilities, you’d probably become very upset. In all reality I hate my voice, my music, my songs, and my lyrics usually. I feel inadequate, and ill-equipped to play music in most group/band situations where I’m playing with other musicians. The reality is, I work so hard at music because of the way I feel about it. My obsessive perfectionist attitude towards my music is what keeps me doing it constantly. Every time I don’t practice, i’m not writing, or recording, or playing shows, I feel like I should just give up, like I’m a failure that doesn’t deserve a place on a stage playing for anyone. Rough, I know.
The thing is, I’m trying to change a lot of this, and some of it I’m okay with. I definitely want to change how I treat others. I’m not the type to look down on anyone. I actually really hate that I could be seen as someone that is judgmental or condemning, or full of myself. I can’t stand the thought of anyone thinking I think I’m better than them. It is most definitely the opposite. I acknowledge the reality that I probably project certain vibes onto others as a defense mechanism from my lack of confidence, but its no excuse to act however I want to. I try to take responsibility for the way I treat people, so this is me taking responsibility for this particular flaw.
If I have wronged you in this way, hurt your feelings, made you think less of me, or shown particular disfavor towards other people in front of you, I’m truly sorry and I hope you can forgive me. We’re all a work in progress I guess. I hope you’ll try to extend some grace my way, as I learn to do the same.
(Don’t forget tomorrow is MOVIE REVIEW THURSDAY! Tomorrow’s reviews will include “Wrath Of The Titans” and “Mirror, Mirror”)